His uber religious wife caught us having anal sex in their bed..... she called us sodomites. Can you even be a sodomite if you're a girl?
You're not a sodomite. You're a whore. Tell her to get the insults right. Did she try to save you with Jesus?
She said she'd pray for me. Man, if I had just caught my husband balls deep in some ho, I'd say fuck the praying and kick her ass.
so i'm just gonna leave my credit card in your mailbox so you can bail me outta jail.. deal?
I was about to watch some really classy porn. Title was ravenous for dick. I didnt know pornstars knew ravenous was a word.
You were so hammed, you asked your buddy in Economics to plot a demand curve for Parmesan Cheese.
He told me that a camel appeared out of nowhere and it told him to quit smoking...
Thanks for alerting everyone in our apartment what your one night stand's name is. Could you scream a little louder?
what the fuck is a social media consultant, who does she consult for, and how bad is she at it? her facebook account is currently hacked and posting ads for the ipad 2 on my newsfeed
The bartender asked if I wanted a to-go cup for my crown and coke.....I just realized I'm back in Montana and fuck did I miss home.
HOW DID YOU GET DEPORTED FROM THE BAHAMAS
The last thing I remember was you puking all over the inside of my door and him yelling "PUKING RALLY!!!"
Food poisoning on first date... Still rode the mechanical bull like a champ
BUT I think maybe Thursday in celebration of America we should probably tan and see how fast we can finish everything in the liquor cabinet.
I'm so high that hamburger just went up my nose. Mustard BURNS
So the girl I met at the bar last night came home with me. Played with my puppy. And left.
i could have got laid, but instead, i threw up in her hair. you can cross that off the bucket list.
Randomize
