I woke up fully clothed on top of my sheets and i didnt even pee myself..so proud.
Today a TA in one of my classes told me he thought I was 35 and going back to school as an adult learner. Alcohol is working me.
I told my mom happy mother's day then rubbed my belly and said "Oh, and happy grandmother's day too..." She started sobbing. You were right, that wasn't the best way to tell her.
There comes a time in a man's life when he's almost thirty he just needs to stop watching Degrassi. This is that time.
Listen, i'm watching playoff hockey and eating waffles. i just don't have time for your drama today.
drunk taco night MLK would want it this way.
So I have the professor convinced that the textbook will take another week to deliver. that should give me enough time to replace the cash i spent on strippers.
I. Did. In fact. Sprain. My liver. This. Weekend.
Why does my jaw hurt?
I may have punched you.
Can someone please remind me later tonight that there's a taco in my purse. I may get drunk and forget I put it there
EW FUCK GROSS GODDAMMIT I WENT DOWNSTAIRS AND MY GODDAMN BROTHER WAS FINGERING SOME GIRL ON THE FLOOR DOESN'T HE KNOW HE FUCKING LIVES WITH PEOPLE
So, I never imagined myself puking on the side of the road at 10:30 this morning to Lynyrd Skynyrd but here I am.
I love my cat. she doesnt judge when i stumble in my house drunk and pass out on my floor. my dog looks at me disappointed.
Not to be gross and awkward, but I just had sex outside in the rain on the hood of a lexus
It was bad. U were calling my cat "kittiano" and playing her like a piano. Way too drunk my friend.
Randomize
