Dogs love guiness but it fucks up their kidneys
Just did shots with my boss to warm up for our sales call to Childrens Hospital. I love startups.
i had to do the walk of shame dressed as a leprechaun. I have never been more proud of my irish roots.
I just ate a whole bag of celery instead of getting up to get a glass of water. That high.
I'm also annoyed at my horoscope for not warning me of my perils
Shoot me. Guy hitting on me with a beaver on his head. Says it is his spirit animal.
Sometimes I wish I could open my skin and just take a little peek at my liver. You know, just to see if it's rotten yet or still perfect looking.
I joked that if anyone could fuck a 35 year old woman while wearing head bands and arm sweat bands it's you and look what happens.
I walked out of the bedroom naked holding a used condom only to be greeted by half of my family. Happy birthday mom
Ive never seen him vulnerable before. He just had surgery and looked so cute on his crutches. like a little baby bird with a broken wing. that i wanted to nurse back to health. with my vagina
I resisted the urge to announce that it looks like a big crystal butt plug
Well, if it makes you feel any better I'll be drinking tequila and doing lines on Halloween. Just like old days.
Dude, you stalking his LINKEDIN profile will NOT affect your chances with him. We aren't 40...
He said he doesn't "believe" in cuddling. Can you come get me?
Just watched a guy open his car door, puke, close it, and resume driving. Happy Monday.
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