So I'm on the can right now reading a court transcript for an appeal. Some dude is paying $155 an hour for me to take a shit.
I just wished the taco bell drive thru guy a happy cinco de mayo. Who says arizonians hate mexicans?
I didn't mean to leave you there I just didn't know him well enough to throw up in his bathroom.
Vodka and Eggs at 9:30AM = thank you, America.
Just had a flashback of you announcing "your nipples aren't that big for the size of your boobs, I've seen them"
so I'm coping with getting the "I'm not over my ex" bomb dropped on me by getting drunk and yelling at people while wearing a purple princess hat
We just shotgunned beers for America
just found a someones bra in what seems to be a mix of pickle juice and vodka in my fridge. Who was over here lately?
I have a boner and a quesadilla why aren't you here
Just so you know my hand is still healing from where you drunkenly clawed me last Saturday
Good luck getting that all cat food off in the shower dumbass
because of daylight savings time I lost an hour of sex with an incredibly hot guy last night. thanks a lot farmers.
Yeah, nothing like barfing into a grocery bag you just put dog shit into.
I just started an apology with "so I'm sorry about throwing the Brita at your head last night..."
Crop dusting thru forever 21
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