9 beers later and she still looks like Gary Busey.
ur penis kinda felt like a vagina to me
We're going to shave my junk and take pictures of it wearing fake mustaches we found at the dollar store. They're uncannily realistic; much better than the cockstaches of my youth.
i don't think they understood the house was collapsing. they kept dancing and jumping and asking for more cups.
I'm on my fifth cocktail in twenty minutes. I don't think I will end this on two legs.
FRIENDSHIP PRAYER: May the crabs of 1,000 whores infest the crotch of the person who fucks up your day
I will suppress my appetite by doing shots then passing out
don't get you morals all over my torrid fantasties
I have a calendar reminder for world domination today, you wouldn't happen to know anything about that would you?
Volunteering at a homeless shelter a bum asked if he could lick me cause I still reeked of whiskey. Being a bumsickle=epic hangover
You know how last week before we left I was drinking outta that blue cup and I left it sitting across the road. Well, it hadn't moved and my family just found it, brought it inside and cleaned it. I think this cup is my soulmate.
sarah's view on last night: a threesome to make things less awkward. oh, well done.
I jerked off 12 hours ago exactly. I owe it to my penis to get laid.
I wish he’d realize all I want is dick. He’s my boytoy. He’s a stunt cock. \n\nCome over, fuck me silly, eat some leftovers, fuck me again, then go back to the frat house
my favorite sex position is the one where no sex actually happens we just get really stoned and eat a lot and watch netflix in the dark
Randomize
