I could have mohawked her pubes.
The first sip always goes straight to my vagina.
the doormen always congratulate him in spanish as he walks me downstairs in the morning
i kept drunkenly begging people i met to be in my facebook mafia
Apparently tackling a bar stool and crashing to the floor while yelling for 6 shots of whiskey won't get you thrown out on St Pattys Day.
Is it bad that we're talking like nothing happened?
Ah. Blossoming love after wild blackout drunk sex.
sometimes i wish i was a boob, they get to chill in soft and cuddly little cup things.
We're sending your burrito through the mail slot.
You were chewing up hot dogs and spitting them out
I swear they were about to hook up!!
I know because I was in the tub taking an imaginary silent bath. They stopped cuz I gagged on my shot.
I had to find out that I peed in the box of baby clothes from my mom, who found out from my grandma. New low.
Just walked into the bathroom and looked straight ahead and made eye contact with a guy taking a shit through the crack in the stall door...
he signed me a blank check so today i get to decide if i want to be a saint or a millionaire
He's going to find out eventually, but really what's he going to do? Cry about it and buy another fucking kitten??
I need to stop acting like a porn star that isn't getting paid
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