You hurt me so bad and it feels so good
I'm thinking of writing "I have herpes" on my stomach in sharpie that way I'm not tempted to show my tits tonight
There are GROWN MEN with fake HP wands flinging curses at me in Walmart.
That's funny. Are they weird looking???
OF COURSE THEY ARE WEIRD LOOKING, THEY ARE STALKING ME IN WALMART. WITH. FAKE. WANDS.
Like reprimanding the wall for "sneaking up on me" drunk
She used the introduce me to her roommates so she could find out my name trick the next morning..I may be in love.
he's washing the lighter in the sink and telling me to picture unicorns. requesting backup.
i take my contacts out every time we fuck so i cant see all the stretch marks
There was a reason that "Throat Warrior 2011" was written on my martini glass. He said my title was undisputed.
i know i shouldn't tell you this since i want you to really like me but i just spent the last 4 hours sleeping on the toilet.
Dude, I'm pretty sure I slept with my TA's girlfriend
I'll miss you, too. On the bright side, a night away from one another might give me a chance to recup seminal fluids.
Thank you for helping a fellow gay friend today. You are sublime and deserve free tickets to the Ellen show
I'm so happy we share a mutual love of laughing at religion.
We drunkenly made out once four years ago and then he immediately vomited and honestly I've never gotten over him
She is still drunk from the night before, sitting here eating KFC mashed potatoes and drinking Arbor Mist before Anatomy lab.
Randomize
