i'm touring the leper colony via mapquest street view so we dont have to go there
(917) i just came from walking.
haha you just came from walking?
you kept telling her you'd make a great step-dad while cuddling her and rubbing her back...
Like. I probably should fuck him. I owe him for breaking his thumb.
While I faked being asleep, he literally prayed to God out loud, asking for forgiveness for losing his virginity before marriage.
I have your car and your sandals. My shoes are somewhere under the puke couch. Safari time.
I can motorboat myself in this new push-up bra. I need to go out tonight.
It was like I was playing the clarinet on his penis. And I just kept saying I'm sorry.
You asked me to text you at 11 and remind you that he's 33. It's 11:20. He's 33.
you're too late. he has eggnog and whiskey and all seven seasons of buffy. I shan't be coming home tonight
I had lunch with him today and quietly mourned his wasted good looks on such a disappointing set of genitals.
I like using largw condoms because they are more comfortable but also I feel bad because it's like false advertisement
Every minute you wait for the sex that's not gonna happen, we're missing a tone deaf, drunk, tard-asaurus rex half-sing a 90's song to a bunch of other dinotards at karaoke.
Uber driver has left leg up on the dash and turn signal on for about a mile, there's Chipotle wrappers on the floor, but she's hot. 5 stars.
you're telling me you don't want to have sex 30,000 feet above the earth?
A reply to my tweet is getting more likes than mine, the disrespect is real
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