I like how you formally end text interactions, just turn your phone off or don't respond you pervert
Ill pay your DUI fine if you just come see me nooooowwwww
no. its 2:30am and im not going to jail for a booty call
apparently 20 random guys watched the process of me being carried on a mattress through the dorms
Honestly, I don't care whether it was a guy or a girl. Best blowjob ever.
I've never felt so inclined to grow a dick. THIS is what the gays in this town have done to me
Just once I'd like to throw a party where I don't have to clean up someone else's blood the next morning.
We never did figure out who the stuff on the wall came from, did we?
Also I just sneezed literally 12 times in a row so violently...boogers everywhere. Sorry to ruin the sexting. I just felt like you had to know
Sometimes I have to make sure these messages are going to you and I'm not about to give someone in my phone book a heart attack.
I don't know if your celebrity crush has ever asked you for nudes, but it's fucking awesome
I feel like I missed the land of milk and honey and instead wound up in the land of beer and pizza. And yet, I think I'm happier here.
Shout out to my liver for being the true MVP. It easily put in more work than LeBron or Curry this week.
I haven't gotten this high alone in a long time. I keep looking at the cat waiting for her to say something.
I told my parents how nice the girl at the frogurt store was. I neglected to mention that I nearly lost my virginity to her via foursome.
I remember being like "I can't hold both of you guy's hair back!" so I put headbands on each of you
That girl is like a master class on how to be an unlovable crazy person.
Randomize
