you left a giant bottle of vodka in my room from last night. does this serve as a parting gift or hush money?
he just told me he'd rather go to the pirates game. i know it was desperate but i said id give him roadhead if he let me come along.
I didn't take her seriously until she snorted that ramen noodle flavor packet...
yeah, but the likliness of me finding my husband at a party where the facebook event is titled "NEW YEARS EVE SHIT SHOW" is highly unlikely
Like my mouth was on his pelvis connected to his balls that's how far it was
apparently i saved myself a memo last night titled "cake" and all it says is "i love it so much"
I just ditched my friends to hang out with the chilis restaurant crew...one of these girls better have daddy issues
Look if you're not going to be mine and take care of my needs, I'm going to fuck your sisters.
I haven't found him passed out in the living room covered in noodles for a while now so I guess he's getting better with the drinking.
Either I'm tripping balls or my dog has super powers.
Do I really need this much space in my mouth?
Are you already high?
And we're now at 8 people from the office coming to my desk to ask me "do you feel better?".
I just watched our fat male neighbor dibble a soccer ball across the lawn. It looked like Baywatch with diabetes
Im hitting on this chick at a stoplight when all the sudden. i notice this chick blowing some dude in the backseat.
My life has come down to me literally sitting on an uncrustables trying to defrost it because I’m drunk alone and hungry.
Randomize
