I start off june hungover/still drunk stumbling down my driveway with the trashcan at 6am..it's gonna be an interesting month
Who pooed in my magic bullet?
Sorry the bathroom was being used.
He used his penis as a puppet and sang Rihanna's Hard..... so no, we will never see each other again.
come on don't hate me. your brother looks just like you its almost a complement that i had sex with him.
Fuck men. I'm going to go eat a package of cookie dough and get fat. I hope I die of salmonella.
She's going to get me a sippy cup for christmas. If I can't open it, I can't have any more to drink. Seem reasonable?
She gave me what I will now dub a "hurricane sandy". Loud, wet and sloppy BJ that made me want to stay home and complain about shit on the Internet
omg he is no good in bed, bless his little heart and his big dick
Frankly, since I met you, I practically exist in a state of constant readiness for sex
Oh wow and I have a bunch of portable wine glasses called to go coffee cups
I got so drunk that I peed my bed...and all over him. The ironic thing is that he slept in his swimming trunks.
I should know better than to open your texts at the grocery store
I guess it's part of life. Sometimes your ex boyfriend becomes a drag queen.
I refuse to fake an orgasm. If I'm dating him, he better work for that shit.
Yup we found her. The bouncer was carrying her out
Randomize
