I just woke up to a lawnchair covered in lipstick. I'm wearing red lipstick. What happened and is the tequila?
i think ur clone was at the club last week. she slapped some tall girl in the face who tried to steal her spot on the podium. i dont know if ur like her, but she seemd like a ninja badass with superpowers
I just put a condom on my dildo so i wouldng get another uti....most depresIng moment of.my LIFE
i woke up to her playing with my penis. just wiggling it around and around. awkward night? i would say so.
if only i could text you this smell
I am pretty sure I told him the clouds were earth's purest filtration system and that snow was the rarest and most delicious water in the world. My lips are burning because we ate so much.
So last night I learned something new. Whenever I drink beer out of a bottle a random guy buys me another one. It was like as soon as the glass hit my lips every guy in a 20ft radius got a hard on.
Currently behind the bar at some asian place, pouring drinks for everyone with a snake around my neck
I should've been more social I guess. I feel bad not meeting the people who willingly sucked alcohol out of my navel...
I'm a male taking pregnancy tests with every girl at the party. i have no regrets
Guy fieri is speaking only to me. We make eye contact. My whole body is vibrating. My head is purring. I am literally marbles.
Not as great as when your drunk mom grabbed my junk, but better than when your sober grandma sacktapped me and grabbed my butt.
I went to bed early to get up and have a cup of coffee and watch a Sunday sunrise; and again you come home with no shirt and more stamps than my passport. Get the fuck up now, you are taking an Uber to waffle house. The order is in you name.
Stop trying to mix nacho cheese and sex. Guys don’t want hot cheese near their junk. Pick a better fetish
i only got to wear my halloween costume for an half hour before it got taken off.
Randomize
