Raise your hand if you bought 2 annoying girls shots of water. CLOWNS.
The guy I was getting with last night took off his purity ring mid-sex and threw it across the room.
totally watching dr. phil and getting eaten out right now. be jealous.
The coffee and champagne are fighting over who gets to absorb the one pancake in my stomach
Your excuse of not making us Mac and cheese was that you couldn't find 6 cups of water...
Just scrubbed my teeth for a good twenty minutes. Herpes is afraid of toothpaste, right?
Just witnessed my roommate pick her nose and eat it in her sleep. Remember, you made out with that.
Dude the tree smoked with me. I planted the roach with it and smiled.
I just feel like everything is too perfect
He's probably a serial killer or chronic masturbator
Or both. Which is common
Not genetic. He's drunk and texted me a dick pic. Not genetic. Thank God!
and then I said "oh, I see the price of Plan B has gone up". and the pharmacist looked at me very sadly. I was just trying to make conversation.
you should never start the day with a boob text. It can only go downhill from there
And by not handle it I mean it makes me want to sit on his face
also, my mom just called to make sure the dick tattoo on your arm was fake..
If he flies out here I will sleep with him. I have morals, but not when it comes to southern accents
Randomize
