Sometimes I wonder if we could be friends if we lived closer.
Also just realized how inappropriate it looks to other drivers to finish bottles of cheap champagne at stoplights
just threw up on dog. broke microwave with cheese and spoon. having a bath with my barbies singing final countdown.
before you ask yes i found the absinthe under your bed. ITS THE FINAL COUNTDOWWWWNNNNNN
Is there a word for someone who only has sex with NFL prospects?
Hey Im running from the cops. hiding in a bush. when you're approaching the intersection honk the horn twice and I will come out.
I drink way too much to have a type. Last weekend I picked up a guy who calls me "baby girl"
We're all getting matching jack daniels tattoos. We're gonna be an alcoholic gang of awesome.
That would be a dream come true. Seriously, he's like my mount everest, my life's ambition is to climb him.
I have a 30 pack and enough condoms to last until tomorrow morning. Have Mystery Science Theater 3000 ready. I'm on my way over.
Once you jizz in someones hat, you cant take it back.
I showed him my machete and then we made out in the kitchen
I have so many feelings about this burrito
The Stanley Cup Final is killing me. I can't go to work drunk again.
Can we get pizza? This is seriously not a booty call. I just really want someone to get pizza with me.
So I figured it out. There's two types of shitters. Moaners and grunters. And on occasion there's a third. It's the ill fabled grunt moaner.
Randomize
