i just wish he would text me so i could ignore his text and show him how little i care anymore
What tipped you off? The sombrero?
So, Southern Comfort will donate 25 cents for every bottle sold towards Gulf Coast Relief... Can we save the wetlands through my alcoholism?
I was on my way at Dorito Smoothie
Just realized the fur coat I am wearing to the wedding is the one I had sex with the groom in
Just woke up next to our cab driver from last night. Please tell me this isn't happening.
This theraflu would make for a great margarita.
I can make a sudafedarita
She ran over a curb, took out a yard-sale sign and hit a fence before admitting to me that she may be losing her vision "a bit". Never letting grandma drive again.
I told him I was on the pill and it was OK to fire away. I want to never have to wear panty house or ever go to an office again. This is my early retirement plan. I want half of his NBA money.
You're the common denominator of my blackouts.
I'm shaved like a Brazilian hooker right now.
I have the flu.
I don't give a shit
Wow my largely unnecessary pool of lizard-related knowledge finally came in handy. Are you proud?
I don't know what to say
I told you I missed you and you said you missed me as much as you miss a urinary tract infection. I get it. You're still mad.
So apparently, after 11 beers, 2 pitchers of sangria and 3 rhum & cokes, the idea of popping a load of MD and jumping on the trampoline, in the woods, in my underwear was the best one ever.
He caught me shoving meatballs into my mouth using my hand. Fuck utensils. It’s Christmas...and this is why I’m single.
They are good meatballs.
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