there was 4 little kids screaming in high pitched voices at the top of their lungs at the sox game and their mom just leaned over to me and said 'if thats not birth control i dont know what is'
Let me just say....i'm sorry about setting your carpet on fire. I had no idea that the paper towel would burn that quickly.
For the record, chili cheese fritos are not a chaser.
Im embracing the luau theme and maybe bringing a kiddie pool filled with alcohol. Im also embracing the high probability I will not remember this night.
sorry for the naked aussie man in your room last night, he got lost on his way to the bathroom
Thank god for federal credentials. Waaaaayyyy to hungover to go through airport security lines right now.
I "liked" his changed relationship status just to show him I'm ok with the fact he found someone not as pretty as me
almost dropped my phone in the toilet but it somehow bounced off my tit and landed on the floor. Boobs: saving me hundreds of dollars in bar tabs and smartphones since '09
He texts me "just to say hi" and then tells me how hard he is and sends me a dick pic. And I'm like, dude, I'm ordering a burrito right now
You tipped the Uber driver extra for taking your phone away while you were drunk texting
Currently on my Sunday walk of shame. Should I go to church?
I made it 1 week... 5 business days at my new job before sleeping with my coworker.
My mom just came upstairs handed me an Adderall and asked if I could help her wash the ceilings
I guess I asked for the two old strippers numbers at the end of the bar and it turned out to be the bartenders mom and aunt...
Never make a coconut bikini from a real coconut.
I smell like old thai food.
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