If Jon and Kate can get divorced...how hard can it be for me?
Honey, If i waited till marriage I wouldnt know what a dick tasted like.
I wonder how many times I can be hungover in one day
Walking home still drunk in snow. Snowflakes are my only hydration..Need moreee
At one point, the guy you were fucking high-fived with the guy I was fucking. We should hang out with them again?
An outback commercial just played and I remembered that guy from Australia Imade out with at the Derby. Great Bachelorette Party, btw.
Its not that hard, just find a girl reading 50 shades of grey and point her my way
Got head last night. Had the 3D glasses on the whole time.
Yup. Can I borrow your penis decanter for my Xmas party on Saturday
Is it bad that I'm tracking my period with Instagram pictures?
The crooked penis I maybe could have looked past...but no foreplay? Deal breaker.
Yeah. I couldn't figure out why my toes hurt. Apparently, the guy I was dancing with, kept running them over with his wheelchair.
I appreciate having someone to objectively critique my dick pics.
HIDE THE INFLATABLE PENIS
Definitely went to court without a bra and panties because Mr. LastNight’s dog stole them. I guarantee you I was the only lawyer going commando in court
Randomize
