Wow that girl who lives a couple houses down is going out wearing butterfly wings a skirt and fishnets
So we tried to 69 with him on top. NEVER TRY IT. His balls were in my eyes and it was terrifying.
She went to the bathroom before i broke up with her so i changed all 2500 of her songs on her computer to "I'm a cheating whore"
I just had to google "How do I get semen stains off of drywall." I'm relatively proud of this
Hey! I was tired. I threw up in two parking lots yesterday.
I just wrote "where Jason is" on the screen. He guessed "hospital" correctly.
Hearing them have a conversation is like listening to water buffalo have sex. Awkward and scarring.
At tuba camp, the pickings are slim. It's like being the tallest midget.
Jesus, you make out with one twin then sleep with the other and suddenly they don't want to play soccer with you... So sensitive...
I deflowered you on valentines day. I AM THE BEST AT ROMANCE. LOVE ME.
You brought string cheese to the strip club
my experiences serve only to benefit you young virgin
I just dominated some guy while wearing your moms thong
I woke up this morning to find myself laying in a beer puddle with "I'm sorry" written on the shaft of my dick and Nicole was nowhere to be found. Gotta love her
Broken heels while double fisting margaritas, picking up shirtless, bloody men and escorting them out of harms way, the meltdown when I realized I can go without a bra bc my boobs shrunk, the morning vodka red bull you were forced to drink? Which one roped you in?
Randomize
