what if I'm pregnant?
smusmorshion
I just tried to unlock my house with the car remote
just convinced brandon semen are bugs that crawl in your pants and make gooey juice. now hes convinced he has them lmao
using smirnoff bottles as a pillow actually isnt as uncomfortable as you would think
I can't decide who is the bigger alcoholic: you for opening that bottle of wine just now or me for hearing it in the other room over the air conditioner
My bullwhip has saved my life tonight and gotten me laid. I'm gonna be Indiana Jones every Halloween!
Thou shall not celebrate other people's birthdays as if they were thy own
I just said "okay we have 20 minutes to get each other off, ready... Set... Go!" and he picked me up and threw me on the bed. I almost came just from that.
Just got a Snapchat of his dick with the caption 'We miss you.'
That's true love, there.
I need to have sex. It's becoming like a matter of public safety.
Don't talk to me about lonely until you're eating marshmallows for dinner in your underwear watching House of Cards for 12 hours straight. I hate all you couples
Damn it. If you ever throw me again, take video.
UVE SEEN MY TITS OKAY STOP CRYING
I don't want to spend an inordinate amount of time with you, I want to have sex with you. Duhhhhhh.
It goes to show, Sane person, daddy doms, little girls, all of us may seem different but deep inside we all grow wisdom teeth
Randomize
