Just saw two guys having a lawn mower race, and their girlfriends cheering them on. Get me out of Tehachapi,
He was legit dry humping me to the sportscenter theme song, awkward i think SO.
It says i should accept HIV aids as my friend on facebook.We have 12 friends in common. I need new friends.
I wish i could sleep and get drunk at the same time...those are my 2 biggest needs right now
Well, of course, to the untrained eye I look like a slut.
Why the FUCK can i grow hair on my big toes but not on my chest?
Had a student tell me he misses the old Four Loko. He's in 7th grade. No one is allowed to claim I started drinking too young ever again.
So awkward... The newspaper lady just caught me sitting stoned in my driveway at 5 am and asked if I was okay. I'm way better than ok right now
Just thought you should know that we coat checked our fairy wings last night. Getting belly up to the bar was way more important that wearing our costumes.
I went to the bar saying i wasn't going to drink that much. I forgot sobriety might as well be some mythical creature when you're with Holleey
Tomorrow I need you to slap me in the face. I'll explain then
"Don't bang the neighbor, don't bang the neighbor, don't bang the neighbor..." he chanted helplessly
I mean my dick does have feeling again, which is a step in the right direction
Fun fact: My predictive text now prompts "walrus" as the most likely word to follow "intoxicated"...
Hhhaaa He said Peanutburter disinfect lol. Like peanut butter can disinfect stuff. None of those guys are safe
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