My lunch today consisted of going on the brewery tour with my boss. Free pretzels and two free beers.
I hate you.
To be fair, the beers are only 8 ounces each. So maybe you just kinda dislike me.
I just realized I'm not towing a trailer. I thought this whole drive home I was towing a trailer. Wow too high
when i got home i made myself toast with butter & put pasta on it. I know this cause it's all over my bed.
I don't think he wanted to hear that my most serious relationship was my 1 1/2 year fuck buddy... I think he figured out that's where he's heading
Well yes but because of that incident i now salute to truck drivers
Just went through campus. In the span of 2 min I saw 4 places I've had sex. And thats just down one street. Man do I miss college.
did you know that if you have sex in the elevator on the way up that people can still get in?
You rolled around in the grass BEFORE we went in and said it was because "ladies love that eau de earth"
He wants me to hook up with his fiance while he watches. Text you later with how it goes.
At what point do you think my baptist preacher of a father will clue in that my brother "bringing a foreign exchange student" for thanksgiving means "bringing his european boyfriend and they'll probably fuck every night" for thanksgiving?
"you can only have my number if you answer all the questions on this trivial pursuit card correctly"
Netflix keeps asking me if I'm still watching just because I've been sitting here all afternoon...why do I feel like my tv is judging my life choices?
Always keep a stash of tequila in your work desk. That is like adulting 101.
I know where his drugs are but not my pants
I’m going to bedazzle that dick
What does that even mean
No idea, but I guarantee he’ll get hard every time he remembers it
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