My dad just told me he used to masturbate to cat woman...he then proceeded to beat my brother in beer pong and wont let me play...
I wanna get FUCKED up and fail the piss test at my eval so they send me to detox and give me suboxone... Is that bad?
so he reminded me it was our 9 month anniversary and then said "we could've had a baby by now"
it's like your virginity...sometimes you have to pretend like it's still there
I hope the doctor doesnt lift up and my shirt and listen to my lungs. I dont want to explain why I have rug burns on my back.
The fact that I pulled something plastic out of my mouth after taking that shot is starting to concern me.
I just saw the Mona Lisa in the background of a porno. Whole new appreciation for art. fuck you I'm cultured.
The good thing about having holes in your nose from all the drugs you do is that you can't smell nasty things. Like puke.
She showed me her tits and my first thought was "I want these to feed my future children." I'm scared.
Spending 4 hours in the emergency room today tells me that your birthday party was a success.
Heard you had a bad day. I have vodka, chocolate and my dick here ready to put a smile back on your face.
Is there a word in the English dictionary for impressed, yet disgusted?
I think the word you're looking for is flabbergasted.
He said he discovered the mysteries of the universe inside an orange... I want whatever he was on.
I just hooked up with a one legged Australian guy. Hooray diversity!
I just remembered I casually gave you a tour of the house after we boned...lol
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