i just pissed myself at work. maybe they'll buy the old coffee spill trick
how do we leave politely?
Tell them I'm going into labor. I will spill a beer and tell them m water broke.
I smelled my fingers after she left and they smelt like sugar cookies. I want that one again.
I'm home and safer than post-menopausal sex; you're welcome for the image. And yes, I did just use a semi-colon hammered.
He wants to make love to me in a sea of paint and wash my tears away with the brushes surrounding us..I've known him for 2 days.
Yay for living on the edge. I'm trying this new thing where I stop mom-arming people and promote bad decisions. It's working quite well.
he threw up in a solo cup, then washed it out and used it to play flip cup. Im not sure if thats resourceful or disgusting.
foreskin is a definite game changer
Porn. Physics. Porn. Icecream. Porn. That's my life now.
one renamed every person in my phone 'I lpvw tewqils', so it would really help me out if you could text me your name. Happy sunday!
I saw that you sent me a photo and the first thing out of my mouth was "I swear if it's another photo of a dick poking out of a bubble bath"
How exactly does one go about seducing an older, possibly blind gentleman?
Mom, I'm really sorry you saw my naked ex-boyfriend in the living room this morning. I can explain....but I'd rather just stick with this apology and be done with it
Its was awkward last year cuz in the middle of it her mom bust In the room with noise makers and champagne
HE’S PUKING UP BLOOD
okay all good I mistook strawberita for blood...
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