Just went to my life planning class. The professor has a braid going halfway down his back and an earring.
just opened a can of spagetti o's with a butter knife. the things u will do for food when ur stoned.
Hold on im havin a staring contest with my cat
so explain to me why i woke up in jail this morning
because you opened a jar or pickles and a bag of fritos and layed down in the middle of aisle 7 while singing 'la cucaracha'
no more ever clear
My niece just unknowingly cock blocked me. Obviously, someone won't be getting a christmas present this year.
at what point last night did we decide it was okay to let me hitch hike to another bar?
So, I was thinking... Since this restraining order doesn't go into affect until monday, that leaves us 5 days to wreck his world.
Driving to get a preg test with my ex, wearing my unicorn hat
You are so not ready for motherhood
I literally told her "she's a sandwich I'd like to make" and that's all it took
according to last night, I underestimated the size of my mouth and the possibilities of what can fit into it.
I woke up this morning and the search history on my phone says: "What is this castle in front of my house?"
I can't believe you guys got into a sword fight over a chicken nugget
Oh, so that's where all the scratches came from...
I only spent $42 at the bar last night, it's some sort of miracle.
you do remember it was dollar beer night, right?
That answers my next five questions
When I get off work and you're not around to hang out with all I do is lay around in my underwear and eat potatoes.
just learned i can hear my fish chewing his food WHILE HES IN HIS BOWL. im going to have to call you back.
Randomize
