I'm either going to be a Playboy Playmate or take over the world. Either way the world wins.
My idea of sleeping together involves doing the Humpty Hump. Her idea of sleeping together focused more on being fully clothed on the opposite sides of a king sized bed.
last night we were having sex and i didn't care if i got off. i was just holding up my hand behind his head so i could look at my new ring. i think he knew.
Just curious... Do you still have the cocks bracelet? You know, the one we pass around to whoevers been the biggest slut recently?
no, i remember trying to staple my nipples together. I just can't figure out where the hell stapler came from.
No. Her boobs are the one spot of warmth in my life right now and I will not let you take them from me.
Well, on the plus side, the hospital gave me a shirt that says "Makes a bad ass look good"
Strip clubs just aren't as fun when a man tries to drunkenly grind on you.
this is the first time i'm angry at someone with so much boobs. she like managed to break my glass and my phone with one glorious swing
You are not going to get a pat on the back from me for not fucking that 40 year old again.
Fucking shoot me with this y'all shit. You were in Texas for 2months you do not have an accent Madonna
I had a dream last night that Sam and Dean had to get rid of a murderous ghost haunting an elf on the shelf. I think I'm ready for Christmas to be over.
THERE IS A VERY SMALL CHILD YELLING OUTSIDE OF MY DOOR. THE NEXT TIME YOU TELL ME YOUR TOO BIG FOR A CONDOM I'M GOING TO PUNCH YOU IN THE DICK.
Tripping over coffee tables hurts shins but face is okay bc I landed on a sofa.
Who is this? I have a text from you last night telling me your name and to train hard for Tuesday, please make this make sense
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