I'm pounding a vodka drink as we speak to make her interesting
i can't believe i haven't brushed my teeth. and i just kissed my grandma. I'm going to hell.
He's gotten way too comfortable around me. He came into the bathroom and took a shit while I was in the shower.
When god put her together, he was drunk & feeling creative... a vagina here, sexually ambiguous breasts there, and a pair of shoulders that would make a linebacker jealous
Every one of her profile pictures looks like an ad for American Apparel. Of course she has syphilis.
Dude its so hot it my room I can't jack off. Its gonna be a long summer.
I told her you were a premature ejaculator. She nodded and said "Really? Wow, how long's he been a Pilot for?"
you are both the best and worst wingman ever.
Not even close. I woke up in the bed of Codys truck. Wrapped up in a sleeping bed, using a stuffed alligator as a pillow. And Alex was laying naked beside me. Not to mention I wasn't wearing the clothes I got there in.
They got their marriage license when they were at the courthouse for her arraignment.
I'm dealing with this like an adult, cupcakes and beer.
You can laugh all you want but 99 grapes is a lot stronger than what you were drinking.
I woke up at 4am because the neighbors cat managed to sneak into my bed. HOW THE FUCK DOES THIS STUFF HAPPEN TO
He doesn't wear a seatbelt. He votes Republican. He has a small dick. That house of cards just fell apart.
That’s true love. If they recognize a chocolate mold of your anus.
Making friends with the guy who had alcohol-infused whipped cream was the best decision I made all night.
Randomize
