I'm curled up in a ball on the floor of my office with the lights off. I hope no one notices. No more open bar. Woof.
I woke up with my face in a pile of pancakes and 3000 mistakes.
I just had my first uncircumcised penis. I kept staring at it like the foreskin was going to fall off on its own.
I am so fucking pissed, there are no Shamwows in the As Seen on TV Store.
Looks like you'll have to stick to jizzing in socks.
Right when he gets off the plane they're going straight to a party where you're only allowed in with a bottle of whisky and they are given bullet proof vests.
I can't break up with him, I ran the math. Taking into account his 7 inch penis and the standard deviation from average, almost 90% of guys should have a smaller penis than he does.
Really? Penis math? This is why guys shouldn't date female engineers.
Just lifeguarded a kid's party hungover so I could afford to go out drinking tonight. Circle of life shit goin on here.
Ya know, since we do have alot of sex with each other i figure i should wish you a happy valentines day
Cops are just so fun an beautifuk
just saw a sign in the bar that says "no more naked fridays". Where the fuck was I on these naked fridays?
He was "hot guy in the dark". One of us had to sleep with him. I took the bullet you're welcome.
Some nice lady just gave me a beer out of her purse. I love youth hockey
Just in case you forgot, last night you came home drunk and pissed all over my laptop. You owe me a laptop.
He offered me my choice of the Abe Lincoln or Ben Franklin dick pic.
He said "I can't believe I had sex with a cat lady". Am I flattered or is this a new low?
Randomize
