I haven't gotten laid in forever. I'm obsessed. I imagine I this is how Ethopians feel about food.
WTF why am I in the Atlanta airport?
so she asking me "is it okay to have dangling labias?"
U of I kids don't fist pump to Sweet Caroline. Get me the fuck out of here.
It was like having sex with a donkey. Everytime she got close she would kick me.
apparently i saved myself a memo last night titled "cake" and all it says is "i love it so much"
She told me a motorboat isn't successful unless they come out gasping for air. MISSION ACCOMPLISHED!!!
Wow i don't think I've had to send this many texts apologizing for my behavior since high school...
You insisted that your middle name was "velociraptor" for 20 minutes and every time someone said something you tried to relate it to velociraptors. That kind of drunk.
I stole us four large rolls of toilet paper from the hotel carts. I feel like the breadwinner in this relationship
Remember when you tried to talk but you could only count by 2s?
I know he's only a bandaid for my emotional disrepair, but he can stick me anytime!!
He tripped and fell all the way to the ground and then stood right back with out spilling a drop of his 3/4 full glass of rum and coke. It was like watching something from the matrix
you know you're doing something right when your drug dealer insists on hugging you before you leave.
I know her cup size but not her name....
Randomize
