Wasted at the beach. Toasting underage, overdeveloped girls. God bless 'em.
doing washington apple shots with my mom. sunday afternoons suddenly got so much better.
We did a shot for each one. Father... son... and holy ghost. That wasn't enough though so we moved on to toasting dead relatives.
You're not invited to the wedding. They don't want you starting a "who's fucked the bride the most" contest.
There's sex hanging in the air like a pinata. European people are no joke.
You were buying shots for everyone, saying, "I got a tax refund. I'm a MILLIONAIRE."
My addiction to golf is getting out of hand....I just caught myself swinging my dick like a putter while peeing.
I think I just wrote a poem about your penis but it was totally unintentional.
Somebody really needs to come home and pick up the used condom from the middle of the wood room floor. It's blue, if that helps decide who comes - uh, home.
There's a guy here who is improvising his own shadow dance on a table against the wall, in case you're wondering how my night is going
What good is being a girl if you can't terrorize boys with pregnancy scares??
So the pizza place just called me after an hour saying they don't have dough
This was the fourth year in a row I got arrested at Pride. Pretty sure that qualifies me as a legend.
Honestly my life is shambles over a married man who looked like a fuckin NERD ON HIS WEDDING DAY
Like Napoleon Dynamite?
Exactly like Napoleon Dynamite
But with bacon.
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