Went to bed at 4 in a strangers bed. woke up wearing scrubs, realized i was gonna be late for work so i just wore the same clothes as the day before... i don't have a toothbrush and im pretty sure there is leftover semen in my mouth. at some point i think i was at the beach cuz theres is sand in my underwear. i love newport already.
Just saw ur first draft of ur suicide note.
You spelled "worthless" wrong.
i upgraded from drunk texts to drunk e-mails...real world here i come
The fact you even thought licking it would fix it boggles my mind
Well it worked
Not the point
That's so unfortunate for him bc you can always find another penis, but he's stuck with it
when i tried to put the condom on he started screaming about how he didn't want his groceries bagged
Ecstasy should be its own food group.
also found a pic of my head in the microwave from the other night.. hmm
I made $80 at the club last night by telling him he was like a wild pony and I just wanted to tame him
I wonder if a fish could survive in vodka
I could
I should send him a pic of my crotch with the caption "thanks for the memories"
You popped the Plan B pill then clapped twice, said "mischief managed" and headed tward the bar.
The cop that got shot in the dick is here, let the entertainment begin.
The highlight of the night was definitely when you starting telling ppl you could shapeshift and "proved" that by stripping.
It took him 15 minutes to put the condom on.
Randomize
