Going to bed naked. Too bad I am all alone. Need to make some changes. Either sleep with clothes or with you
Mmmm, vodka for breakfast
i was puking in the toilet, he walked in and to talk to me and started puking in the sink.. Could this be my perfect man??
the guy at the pet shop just had an eye seizure while looking at my chest
My mind hurts. I feel like I drank sand yesterday.
He's like my sex unicorn. Elusive and majestic. I'll catch him, I'm baiting with patron.
Why yes actually, getting stoned and reading an AARP magazine IS totally where I wanted my night to end!
When he sent me a picture, I swear my vag frowned. That tiny.
I just threw up again because I opened my eyes... God is laughing. I resorted to taking the Mexican Dramamine because I feel seasick from walking. Not helping.
Hey mom, soo do we have a family lawyer or am I on my own for that?
I'm busy watching infomercials. I'd say I'll join you later, but I'm doing a shot every time they demonstrate how difficult life is WITHOUT this product. So I doubt I'll be able to walk in another... Maybe 40 minutes.
But feel free to join! A new infomercial starts in 12 minutes.
"you can only have my number if you answer all the questions on this trivial pursuit card correctly"
You need to somehow incorporate the phrase "these hoes ain't loyal" into your best man speech.
What's worse having drunken sex with hot married man or breaking the diet one week in?
So, is Canada considered an excessive distance to go for a booty call? Asking for a friend...
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