Haha na a cat just ran under your car. Howd that happen?
Probably a woman cat. Doesnt think things through
put your butt on the phone this is a booty call
after last night i think it would be a good idea if i wrote a will... you know, just in case.
You're having sex and i just smoked and made oatmeal...i'll give you some time to be jealous
If you dedicate your next bite to me, I'll dedicate my first orgasm to you.
the way i see it him paying 500 bucks for my fake abortion is karma's way of punishing him for cheating on his wife
She said i saw her in the study room, waved, disappeared, came back with a coke from god knows where, and slurred "i have a drinking problem but i ate grits"
I walked into his room and he was naked with a half eaten pecan pie and a bottle of wine.
As I sit on the toilet at 4 am I realize tonight could have gone a lot better
The sad part is I didn't even want to get laid. I just wanted the emotional connection, but my vagina was screaming "TOUCH ME. TOUCH ME RIGHT NOW BECAUSE MY DADDY ISSUES ARE MUCH DEEPER THAN MY EMOTIONAL NEEDS!" Vodka has a way of getting me out of my emotions and gets me fucked every time.
She told me she loves wine, but hates the mud butt the next day. Dude, way to much info on a second date.
I'm at 45 minutes post orgasm, and I still feel my insides spasming. Pretty sure I just fucked Superman.
Guy just walked into the bathroom with only socks on and took a 5second shit. It is taking me longer to type this than for him to shit, wash hands, and leave the bathroom. WTF? Still wondering why he only had socks on.
Do you know how difficult it is to snap a good dick pic while driving?
Nah, just stick him in a closet with some cheetos, a blunt and soda. The darkness will calm him down until Mallory can be located.
operation Bang Australian Boy = oh so successful
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