This is your typical "sorry i got drunk and tried to seduce you into having sex while you were throwing up" text.
My balls are about to become a huge part of your mouth's life
I told my rommate that he was pissing on his bed. He said "ok man" and took a step backwards and continued. He then went back to bed.
i came on her dog
All I heard was "I swear it'll be funny" and then we were in jail.
I forgot not everyone drinks wine out of the bottle. My grandma just asked if i needed a glass with a disappointing look.
Would you be offended if I asked you to smoke a blunt with me while I pooped?
you goin out tonight?
who is this.
your orgasm for tonight
This just spotted: a bagpiping Elmo on the street.
I'm hungover as hell. I'm dying. I have no skin left on my knees
tonight were gonna drink champagne and watch girls put themselves in awkward position
Fell twice in five points. on my face. literally during a cross walk. The cars just went around me. 21st birthday memories right there
It gave me the St Patrick's Day nickname Slutty McShitfaced. I've never felt so understood.
I found a Trump-humping republican virgin born on the goddamn Fourth of July. I NEED to hate-fuck him.
I went from swearing off of sex to planning a threesome. It's been a rollercoaster of a day.
Randomize
