If you text me again I will gut all of your stuffed animals.
You told my mother that her salad dressing tasted like semen.
please dont pick me up from the airport dressed like a terrorist.
the boys lacrosse roster just went up... now we can see who we had sex with
...But it's not like we would be the first people to pay for an abortion with student loans and cell phone rebates.
Imagine if you could have something so delicious, like your taste buds went on LSD while eating a chocolate tiramisu. That's the opposite of what cum tastes like.
Thanks for letting me use your ID, there's $120 along with your ID in the mail to cover the Urinating in public fine I got last night....sorry
I have a kicked-out-of-multiple-bars level hangover today
Taking a shit on the side of the road is not how I imagined this morning would start.
Because Kyle had a tattoo kit at his house and I wanted one and all he could draw was a mustache or a stickman on fire
Do you ever actually plan things? Or is it always drugs then whatever happens? I'm considering being worried about you
Two cats fucking in the middle of the street. I sat there and watched in my car because I didn't want to cock block the male by honkin my horn.
new district manager is here. you need to come in early
5th mimosa says otherwise
Send me a picture of our booze closet. I'm homesick.
He fucked me so hard my contacts fell out! Didnt know that was possible.
Randomize
