I got fingered by sexual harassment panda last night, by a van, I can't remember if he took off his furry panda hands...
Frozen pudding on a popsicle stick. Bill Cosby would be so proud of drunk me.
Woke up on a mattress on a roof this morning with a pair of briefs next to me. Oh fleet week.
It was right before we played jenga with champagne glasses for a good half hour
I have to date her we need a place to stay for tailgating
I think you just have to raise your bang age from 40 to 50, hope dust doesn't fly out and make her say tony danza
Why even have a ground level apt if you're not gonna let me climb out the window? I hate walk of shaming in front of toddlers...
I never turn down an adventure. My life is like a sexual Lord of the Rings.
You cannot tell me you don't have a problem while crying pantsless on a stranger's sofa bed.
Because sadly the idea of me having a girlfriend is crazy enough to be an April fools prank
He also deemed that the fact that I couldn't log into Netflix was not an emergency. He's wrong.
It's 2 am on the long weekend and what am I doing? Sitting alone in my room eating chips and queso and watching Rio. Fuck I need to get laid.
Can you please bring the nipple sombrero up?
yeah i ran into him at the bar at 11pm. he started talking about engineering and the next thing i know it's 4am and i'm naked on top of him.
Arrived home from picking Mom and Nana up at the airport to find Marc buck ass nude beneath the Christmas tree. Nana says she always knew I was queer.
Randomize
