She was lying in bed moaning while eating a Snickers and masturbating.
He just left me a message saying he left the rest of the weed for me. Did i just get paid for sex? And if yes did i just get paid in drugs?
at least he lost his v-card with a bang... or should i say the clap.
he just told me i make him happier than drugs. that's some serious shit right there
At what point did you think the cops were actually coming to hang out with us
You cant hold me accountable for my actions when im high.
Guess who won bingo at the senior center and is going to jail all in the same night?
I need to figure out how to tell my doctor that I don't want to fix my possible fertility problems until AFTER I'm done whoring around in my 20s.
We were so drunk that when I broke the bottom off a pint glass we decided to make it into a candle holder. How does that happen?!
You showed up at 4 a.m with two middle-aged men, a 200 dollar bottle of wine, three bottles of beer, no shoes on, and a half eaten red velvet cake.You are never drinking absinthe again.
After you threw up you would repeatedly say "napkin" like a siren until somebody got you a fucking napkin.
Don't go to sleep yet I need your Mexican roots. Can you come make guacamole
She answered the door wearing a basket, said it was the only clean thing she had.
i know it looks like there's pee in the mayo jar in the fridge but i promise it's just apple juice that wouldn't fit in the jug after i added the booze.
well, you know. whores of a feather.
he's figured out my code; what are you doing = I haven't found a better dick yet
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