So im pretty sure the object of my emotional onterest is tired of playing with me....
So my mouth tastes like dick. Does that explain how our talk went?
the only evidence i have from this weekend existing is a title page for a novel i tried writing called "the oyster who gave up drinking"
I want to die. Marc and I were making out in the hallway and fell into a fire hose in a glass case. It shattered everywhere. Everyone thought we fell out a window. I think I have glass in my back. Awesome.
No im the worst roommate ever. Just dump a bucket of water on my head at 8am so i can suffer like i deserve to.
today is just not my day... it could be raining penises and I would get hit in the face by a vag
Shit. I'm suppose to call the bank but I'm too high to talk numbers.
He put on a roller derby documentary. It was either bore myself to death watching that or take off my dress. He was very appreciative.
I needed to bring way more fireball to class to match this professors intensity
Okay so it turns out that my bf keeps a log of every time I sleep-fart. It's dated back to 2013.
My uncle showed up to pick us up at the bar just as I bought a drink so I put it in my pocket #drunksmart
Ever had one of those went so hard last night you woke up at the foot of the bed naked wondering where your phone ended up?
When I walked out of the bathroom and you were literally dancing, you looked at me and said 'this is how I dance'. And then continued.
Just flash them and yell "JUDGE THESE BITCHES"
I dont know which is weirder.. the fact that i just watched our mom kick ass at beer pong and ride the pole like a true fire girl or the fact that ive never felt closer to her in my life.
Randomize
