Great, now everyone thinks I've had giraffe semen in me
we are going to smoke at least three blunts before we go see Cloudy with a chance of meatballs. I'm going to have my mom make us spaghetti for when we get out so can your mom make those spicy meatballs? I thought I'd give you 9 days notice so everything's perfect.
Just invented new drinking game watching Hocus Pocus... everytime they say "virgin" wetake a shot and yell out "to j****"
I drank almost a whole fifth last night. Woke up with blood everywhere wearing a "stereotype this" tshirt. How fitting
The kid that passed out is still in the bathtub filled with ice and the empties
i don't think they understood the house was collapsing. they kept dancing and jumping and asking for more cups.
Oh okay. That's fine. I'll buy us both dinner when you bail me out
It's a post jail date
I swear man, you fly across the country to give a boy your virginity and he suddenly thinks you like him
We're trying to make our wedding vows nice but meeting on OkCupid fucks that up entirely.
We duck taped Dave to a rolling chair and shoved him in the bed of the truck then took off for a bit.. We didn't explain it that way when the nurse asked what happened though.
I feel a little uneasy about having my grandma sleep in my bed that I've banged chicks in not too long ago... Fuckin blizzards
I don't like pregnant me. I eat very large burritos, I don't like having sex and I can't even finish a Blue Moon.
i survived drinking for 24 hours, an 8 ball of cocaine and a threesome. I think you can handle moving.
Fun fact: My predictive text now prompts "walrus" as the most likely word to follow "intoxicated"...
We just started our own DARE program: Drugs are really enjoyable.
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