I'll collect that couch/porn sloopy beedge tomorrow just FYI
Trimmed my pubes and broke your paper shredder. Separate events.
You found a girl to hook up with at a gay bar?
No. His name was Paco. I didn't get it by choice. I never had a hickey before.
Hey you
You're the only one I'll text back during sex. what's up?
you made me watch la bamba, and then you yelled at me for disrespecting your mexican heritage.
Mission leave-the-puke-on-the-floor-til-the-dog-eats-it completed. I work smarter not harder
I had to use the resin knife to take the staples out of my tax return forms. Tax returns and a search warrant?
I'm about to tackle a 10 year old off a sea doo
organizing the empties. That sober.
im honestly more upset that i fucked a buckeyes fan than about cheating on my boyfriend...
I need a straight guy to pretend to be my boyfriend for 30 minutes so that I can pull off an act of petty vengeance. Interested?
Using the random money I found in my bra from Halloween to pay to print my bio notes. I only brought a debit to the bar. College win.
Got my parents to pick me up from the party, take me to the bar and buy all my drinks, then drop me off at my booty calls house.
Hey can you tell Daniel there's a bottle of Captain Morgan's in the dryer ...
Sorry I think you have the wrong number
Yes it looks like I do
Yes. With one-hundred percent positivity I can say yes, I do not want you covered in waffles and syrup when I come home.
Randomize
