He asked me to sit on his face, but i didnt, for 2 reasons, one, i had just pooped like 20 mins before sex, and two, this could be my future husband. so i skipped on sitting.
Anddd after the worst sex of my life, he said.."do you mind taking off the condom, tying it up, and throwing it at the door?" Weird.
after watching ten minutes of "the decision," I conclude that King Lebron has more influence on America than Barak Obama. I love our countries values.
There are too many people and smells in this elevator for my hangover to handle.
The bartender seems to not like the DD's anymore. I'm sad
If you die first, I'm going to sleep with a pallbearer at your funeral.
Dude I am allergic to the candy dicks from that sex shop in Vegas. Come take me to hospital right now.
I'd rather blow Nickelback than be told he gave me gonorrhea. I'd even post it on Facebook for all of the world to like, share, and judge me.
answer my text you professional douchebag
and i mean that in the cutest, flirtiest way possible
I am. I woke up on someone's front lawn dressed as max Payne also be proud.
chicken nuggets make me a bit homicidal
Found an elderly homeless guy with a Gandalf beard passed out on my porch. I put a Santa hat over his erect dick cause he was naked.
Looks like taco salad for lunch. I may have died and gone to be better circle in hell than I thought.
I know you can't find me. Somehow I ended up on the roof smoking a cig with the strippers that are on break. Way too drunk to deal with this right now.
We hotboxed his bathroom. going to be a good night
Hotbox went wrong - smoke sets off fire alarm. Firefighters coming
Randomize
