I told my boyfriend my favorite food was strawberry poptarts, now my email inbox is getting spammed with nude pics of him with his dick in a poptart box..
This girl brought half a watermelon to class. I want to be on her level.
All the alcohol I spilled on myself must have acted as a disinfectant or something. I haven't showered in three days and I still don't have a staph infection from sleeping on the lawn with you.
I puked on myself in front of a customer. all. over. myself. thanks Saturday nights
RE-DICK-YOU-LUSSSSS
That's me emphasizing the ridiculous
Okay we're getting vodka and coming
Okay. Joe has my machete attached to his belt
Which I'm also surprisingly fine with. If he walked into the bedroom naked, holding a fish in one hand and a lit candle in the other and said "Let's get fucking weird." I'd probably go with it. He's just that hot.
I'm using my dog as a pillow. He's cool with it.
i think i just asked a donut if it was ok
My housemates are judging me because I'm high at 8am and making Spongebob shaped Mac and Cheese
They know nothing, John Stoned.
Came home to my roommate drinking a 40 in the shower. Chugging with his hair still fully shampoo'd.
I tried to find an emoji but none convey my excitement for receiving good sex soon
He has a bear rug in his room. I'm going to ask if we can have sex on it. Wilderness sex.
Don’t eat the Doritos. Jeff was eating them while he was watching porn
I am watching Wayne Gretzky and Alexander oveckhin play video games for charity. What is life right now.
Randomize
