This morning when you woke up you looked like one of the Wii Bowling people. I think it was the eyebrows combined with the sambuca
I just ran into the couch, vagina first.
I hope you got dinner out of it
i just heard Winston Churchill in auto-tune. thank you nerds.
I sold 10 pepperonis for 5 dollars last night....i fucking love drunk people
that girl is introducing herself into your group of friends one dick at a time.
He def has a gf... But hes 7 feet tall and that superceeds any morality I may have.
Its like I instantly had a mental image of me in my mugshot.
I fatbooth all their pics then decide which one is the cutest even if they gained like 400 lbs and then proceed to fuck him.
sorry for allegedly lighting the beer pong balls of fire
Hey that girl we tagged team last night invited me to her birthday on Facebook, remind me to be sick that day.
Next Halloween, remind me to find a different wingman. Walking out in your pirate costume talking like Captain Ahab while i was banging her and telling me I had to harpoon the white whale really pissed her off.
Step 1: chug a red bull vodka with no ice Step 2: chase that with a shot of wild turkey Step 3: chase that with a shot of tequila
Step 4: your drunk
Turns out he's just a recently divorced IT guy. Not a wizard.
how do you know everyone's mad at you?
I just woke up feeling shameful
It's 1:37. You have 23 minutes to get your dick to the bar before I go home with the bartender... tick... tick...
Randomize
