my dad just secretly slid me a nugg in front of my mom. remind me why I moved away for college??
I'm so hungover And my mouth is so dry it feels like my tongue is wearing a sweater
what age do we have to be before we can stop fucking guys on the first date?
She turned over and said "You smell like my dad, i just can't do this"
Just heard her singing at the school concert... I am honored my penis was touched by those pipes
It's 10am. I'm hungover wearing a flyers jersey and a phillies hat and eating a cheesesteak. I'm not the only one. Best city ever.
For some reason i am carrying prostate cancer brochures. i am nor used to drinking this early.
Everything's fine I'm just stoned and my pillows are too soft.
Is your answer to that text seriously a right parenthesis
No dude, I'm not naming my kid after your beard
You were so high that you only FaceTimed me so that you could stare into your own eyes and not actually say anything
if you guys find pieces of my teeth don't throw them out please
My brother really should've known better than to make me go egg hunting with his daughter when I was entirely too drunk to do so. Threw up in a plant in front of her.
I gave him a hand job in the parking lot... now he thinks we're meant for each other...
Just come here quick. I'm home in 3min. It will take you literally less than 5 to walk. Then 2 to undress, 16 to fuck, 2 to dress again and 5 to walk back..!!
exactly 16 eh??
Randomize
