Your remote is drenched in lotion and you expect me to believe you weren't masturbating?!
Okay Im going to go have some sex apparently. I hope this chick is prepared the zero effort Im going to put into it.
Remind me again why sleeping with a coworker and his wife would be a terrible idea.
So much beer in the passenger seat the seatbelt light is blinking
Im about to get a baby alligator stoned, what are you doing with your life?
I hate being near you and not being able to do what I want. It's like a recovering alcoholic tending bar. I feel like Sam Malone. Except I can't bang the cute chick I work with.
All I am going to say is this: I woke up with lots of bruises on my knees from running around on all fours being a 'dinosaur'. Either girls night in went terribly wrong or terribly right.
i don't think fitbit tracks "flipping the fuck out" as activity.
So there I was, eye fucking the waiter and I spilled beer all down my boobs
He said my vagina is harder to escape than the Temple of Doom.
I WANNA SUCK HIS DICK ON A BOAT
I've scurried myself in your trunk come find me in the morning
How did the surgery go?
My face feels like a marshmallow.
He had been licking my nipple for like 5 minutes and it wouldn't get hard. He asked me to lick my own and when I did, instant hardness. I realized I'd rather have sex with myself then this guy ..
I might be a bit longer... I found a hot guy at the grocery store, so I'm following him and buying stuff that he's buying
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