She was walking with the authority that 2 beers gave to a light weight.
halloween makes it hard to decipher real cops... from sexy men dressed up as them.
She was really sick last night--but i was too drunk to bring her chicken noodle soup after the bar, so went by taco bell and got her a chicken burrito instead
Double fisting Gray Goose bottles. We've officially ruined her.
we're tailgating intramural basketball with hard drugs and tequila...and i think the players are taking shrooms
Best dream ever last night. You moved here. Your Spanish name meant highway. Your favorite food was styrofoam.
ever have one of those nights where you feel like you should leave the house with your insurance card? that is tonight, my friend.
She asked me to head butt her and after half a bottle of whiskey that seemed reasonable.
I think my hopes are too high for this one. The only other bachelorette party I've been to I was felt up by a Chippendale's dancer and smoked a joint with the party bus driver.
this dude just showed up to the party with a falcon
But I do know they give away thousands and thousands in booze
My liver has a boner
I know you're gay. But if I'm not getting dick, then you have to. That's what friends do.
He's the first man I've met that knows more about Harry Potter than I do. He shops at Goodwill and has a Game of Thrones cookbook in his apartment. This is my soulmate.
The thought "Ummm which pants am I wearing? ...I *am* wearing pants, right?" just ran through my head. I'm done. So done.
Of course he’s dumb. He’s got a 9 inch dick! There’s not enough blood in his body for a big dick and a big brain. It’s science
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