Did I ever tell you that the first person i made out with cried?
Have fun fixing the bed from last night Bob Villa.
At least you didn't call me Brittany this time
I walk of shamed back from his dorm in costume while his dad and brother were waiting outside to drive him home. his dad apologized to me. my life never gets old.
he was walking around the bar drinking wild turkey and gobbling simultaneously
I think the taxi driver just requested me on facebook..... his name was george right?
Sun* burn. But that sounds like wait.. Midsentence thought... It would be like swimming in a giant bowl of cereal.. Only I would be cereal. This is brilliant.
No, I am not setting up my roomba to clean up puke.
You guys don't happened to be dressed as gladiators, do you?
TONGUES ARE JUST MEAT TENTACLES IN OUR MOUTHS OMG
HOW ABOUT I DON'T WAKE UP TO THESE TYPES OF TEXTS
Honestly, this is a first for me. I've always prided myself on my ability to pretend to get along with others.
Also my face is like def lowkey made of silly putty
I woke up this morning to find myself laying in a beer puddle with "I'm sorry" written on the shaft of my dick and Nicole was nowhere to be found. Gotta love her
I'm sittin in my Hawaiian shorts watching the office eating cold asparagus. wow do I suck when you're not here.
There were a lot of gay moments in between the Strippers and coke
My vagina! What have you done to it?
Blessed it my child.
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