I really wish i had a penis so i could dick slap that bitch right now
If I sit on the seam of my jeans just the right way when the bass hits, this might be my new favorite band.
please don't let me die tonight
what have you done for me lately?
My vagina hasn't been this smooth since I was 8. I better get laid tonight.
apparently drunk me likes to play hide the puke.. was not a fun time washing all my legos.
I'm going as Jenn Sterger if she answered Favre's calls and ended up in a trash can. If I don't get laid tonight I'm going to be pissed
Just so you're aware, tomorrow is "Slow Clap when you see Mike" day.
Everytime I know she spent a lot of time on her hair for one of our dates, I intentionally cum on the top of her head. That's how she knows I pay attention.
when you tell me you got me a birthday present, I have to assume it will show up in a drug test.
If a hot cougar texts u and says "back massage, blow job".... you show the fuck up.
Before we fucked we both mutually agreed not to tweet about it.
im pretty sure the interns at this hospital have gotten hotter
So our night ended with 6 cruisers, a fire truck, and an ambulance. Also, lots of blood. How was yours?
Wow. I hope you were either doing that in your sleep or blacked out. You threw up then covered yourself in duct tape... i wish i got that on camera
Love that I’m sending my uber driver a thank you message for taking me home via mcdonalds tonight before I’m messaging my date from tonight! Lol
Randomize
