The make-up sex just reminded me why we broke up in the first place.
And then I watched some old guy get arrested for meeting some other old guy for a blow job. It was epic.
My fucking roommate unpluged my alarm; I pissed on his clean clothes.
Just saw a guy doing jumping jacks at the gym. I don't even have to create a punch line for that
I looked at her and said "I now pronounce you pumpkin tits"
it's like a walk of shame rule, you always run into someone who saw you wearing that yesterday
Anal and Aoki tickets...I'd say I give pretty good Valentines Day gifts.
Im blowing my nose and the only thing coming out is beer
I need to stop drinking alone, I wrote a love letter to my tattoos
I shit you not ... they just advertised a recruiting service for strippers at this concert.
When i'm home next we need to get baked and go to waffle house. I want to see if the waitress can still guess my intoxication level and what i'm about to order before i even make it to the table.
If my penis could make facial expressions, it would constantly have a smile on.
Also I would love to pregame at your place if I weren't stuck at mine drinking laxatives
Maybe i don’t have a tell. Maybe wine is my poker face.
Babe if there was a way to give a back rub and head at the same time that's what I would ask for my birthday, Christmas and of course right now. Please think about how and get back to me.
Randomize
