The only person who has seen my penis more than that girl, is that girl's sister.
Eating meat and looking at porn while roommate is at church for Ash Wednesday. Win.
Hey sis... Don't forget moms day is this sun. And don't get her another gift while you are freakin high this time. The vibrator was embarrassing.
FYI the vibrator was a SUCCESS. She was in a much better mood this last year. Maybe you should get high this time and get a great gift
You tried to convince our cab driver that your $2 bill was worth $11.70
We had to put his head at the bottom of the driveway so the puke would run down. Now he's sleeping outside.
Also, just saw a kid in a gorilla costume being questioned by a boardwalk cop. I love ocean city.
Just found out my rents have been paying my siblings to cockblock me for the past 5 years
Not as covert as you thought huh?
Why did I see a weird snapchat of you barking at McDonald's last night?
Oh my god I haven't had mozzarella sticks since I banged that Applebee's waiter
His name is Angel. I'm pretty sure he was sent from heaven solely to eat me out.
The problem is that you are trying to hold on to some dignity. Let it go. I hope your rash gets better.
Jesus christ. I put you on speaker when you called me last night and you told me to brush my teeth with a dick.
We got drunk, we had raw sex and we discussed about the showrunner change in Doctor Who, in that order.
Is it okay to get drunk at a baby shower? ....asking for a friend
I DONT HAVE THE SOCIAL SKILLS TO EXPLAIN THAT YOU DIED EATING MY PUSSY
Randomize
