yah i'm on my way- is everything ok?
i'm holding a walmart bag of my own hot vomit that i closed up with some random chicks hair tie. we r pretty fucking far from ok
She left me a voicemail too. It's just her moaning her name repeatedly
I woke up with $100 in my pocket and I was so excited until I found an atm receipt for a $500 withdrawal. Not as exciting.
Its funny that cleaning up pieces of water balloons and shot glasses every morning is becoming a routine
I just found what appears to be a tooth in my purse...anybody missing one?
Walking down the street at 11 pm dressed in bubble wrap. Why is the bar so fucking far away??
There's a Russian guy here. In the bar. Drinking vodka. Wearing a trench coat and a hat and a mustache. Idk where the confusion is.
Please be advised that because of last year's "incident" we will no be starting St. Pat's day with spicy breakfast burritos and car bombs. Please plan accordingly.
I'm surprised, it's been so long you must be starving
At a certain point, the zombie-like hunger goes away. Then the sadness sets in. Then you start lying to yourself that you're taking some "me time." Then you remember you dodged chlamydia and Buddha knows what else. Then you're at peace with it.
Have you ever just sat there and thought about past penises?
I had to fake it. He was punching my vagina like it owed him money and enough was enough.
I serenaded the cat in the hat for a few 90s songs but idk who he is
It's the Ides of March, motherfucker. That means we're supposed to daydrink, right?
I've had more orgasms than showers this week.
Why is there a mildly painful bruise on my back?
You slipped off the sink last night.
Why was I on the sink......?
;)
Randomize
