nut hugger
2:45a: Any chance you got 3000 bucks on you?
Get out...Run...Or there's going to be a dick in your mailbox
imagine if we didn have a dick. we would be so much more productive
If I don't have carpet burn in the morning you aren't trying hard enough.
If I give you a key to my place you have to promise to one day wake me up with a blowjob.
And by one day I mean once every two weeks.
He dodged my hug and greeted me with a fist bump. I slept with him the night before. The only thing worse would have been a greeting by chest bump.
So glad I decided to show up and puke in your trashcan.
These are the moments that bond souls forever.
I immediately regret the tequila decision.
Why did this happen to me why did I have to meet him if I could go back in time I never would have grabbed his dick
I'm too drunk to explain this to you. It's too hard.
What happened last night and why am I partially covered in queso?
I went to an adult Halloween party last night dressed as Mrs. Doubtfire, but I woke up on a stranger's couch surrounded by sleeping children in karate gi's. And I accidentally flushed my granny wig mid-puke, so if they wake up I'm gonna have to convince them that I'm just a weird older man and not a terrible cross dresser.
How did you come to this point in your life?
Good bartenders.
I'm so drunk and angry about the Michigan game the fact of my relationship being over doesn't matter
hey, cheif big dick, where the fuck are my panties.
Randomize
