i fell asleep on him beating off on webcam last night, i'm such a great boyfriend.
Why does Thanksgiving make hot girls feel disgusting and fat girls feel horny? Its killing my prospects.
My freaking DENTIST just commented on my hickies. Through the novacaine I managed to mumble 'It was my birthday' and she smiled knowingly.
The boys in front of me put beer, red plastic cups, ping pong balls, lighterfluid, and twelve packs of pantyhose on the conveyor belt. Whatever drinking game they're playing, I want a part in.
I just drank til 6am then boned a 32 yr old that looks exactly like ET. Oh god.
You hit on my mom and then passed out in the kiddie pool.
Oh my gosh they are following me around the bar
Blow your rape whistle
oh sorry. I thought "boat" was code for "penis"
Just jerked off with bubble wrap. Not as awesome as it sounds.
Mmhmmm. I have a list of drunk achievement that is almost as long as my list of stoned achievements
Sexting and pancakes... It's going to be hard to top that
I can't believe my vagina just got wished happy new year
the next morning we realized we didnt speak the same language... guess i subconsciously did learn a little german last semester. thanks study abroad.
ah the experiences a semester in Vienna can give you. Frau would enjoy knowing that even while sleeping during class you still managed to learn enough german to get laid
How is it that I know 4 different bartenders who won't charge me for drinks, but I can't get laid?
Who the hell tries to steal eggnog.
Randomize
