guess who just spent driver's ed figuring out how to draw a guy giving head
"Not only do I bring a guy back to my hotel room....But I bring one back for my friend who's passed out drunk. Now that's what we call BESTfriends"
Its like I instantly had a mental image of me in my mugshot.
My roommate says its rare that you can be tear gassed before you lose your virginity so i feel accomplished in life
Someone just got kicked out of the mall for being dressed like a giant cat. I feel like this is in your future.
The hypnotist is here. He has a black eye and smells like tequila.
And I think your bro would be happy to know that when I took my bra off like 10lbs of confetti fell out. It was like my tits were celebrating being free
Going through Bojangles drive thru chanting "KFC" hammered at 8:00 was the highlight.
Worse: texted mom-in-law by mistake that I sharted.
Worser: she offered to clean me up
Is it okay to thank someone for the orgasms they gave you, even though they weren't with you?
Never in my life did I dream that I would meet and NFL linesman, let alone that he would be standing before me dressed as a Roman centurion and asking for Vaseline.
I taught three men with PhDs how to make a gravity bong last night. I love academia.
My brothers dog was hit by a car and died. They're really sad about it.
But they're having a baby! It's like a dog only 40 billion times worse!
Your heart isn't making stupid decisions... your penis is outsmarting your brain. Stop fucking her!
so does the amount of bruises on my arms and legs mean we had fun last night?
Randomize
