my family just sang happy birthday to baby jesus. no ones even drunk yet
I miss your penis. And I totally say this as a friend. I just miss it because it's great. You should be very proud of it.
So one buddy got tackled at the urinals by national guard members and was arrested. Another had sex in a port o potty with possibly the drunkest girl I've ever encountered. The rest of us blacked out and won a few bets. So yes, the derby did meet our expectations.
She kept saying the tortilla understood her. I honestly don't know where she found a tortilla at the pool.
I think I threw my underwear away at What-A-Burger last night.
Some guy offered you 100 bucks last night to suck your toes. I had to drag you away while you were yelling at me, "Stop money cock blocking me!"
That's just where I'm at in my life.
Nothing says "lifelong friendship" like FaceTiming in a sex shop.
Can you please help mom and dad? Theyre trying to figure out Skype, and its like 2 cavemen finding fire.
And then god smiled down upon me and he said let there be hangover food and let it be Wendy's
Do you know how fucking great a bath bomb is when you're high?
This is the best thing we've done since that time we started a religion
Apparently karate chopping the fronts off all the paper towel and soap dispensers in the bathrooms isn't even frowned upon. Like even at the third bar when I fell flat on my back trying to jump kick the last one some guy just helped me up and high fived me. America.
I threw up in 4 different Starbucks across the city before 9 am.
I've realized that my life is a cycle of high that is only broken by sobering up at work, which only happens because I can't smoke more
You can't hold me to anything I said last night; I was drunk on orgasms.
Randomize
